when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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