you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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