A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
