Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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