My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
