she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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