I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
