peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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