Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize