I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
