So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
