So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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