The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I have post one night stand depression
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
