Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
