She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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