remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he puts the penis in happiness.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You ruined the universe
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
