I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
