i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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