I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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