dude i'm inner monologue high
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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