Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
