my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Operation Purity has been aborted
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
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