soooo we both peed the bed last night...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
