I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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