Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
