well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You smell like stripper and shame
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
This is the high leading the old right now
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Randomize
