Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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