I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
