I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
