Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
