After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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