Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Two words: nipple clamps
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