Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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