Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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