I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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