So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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