We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
