You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
