i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
