So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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