fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I wannas sexs uuuuu
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
