what day is it and did you see me today?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
