you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
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