if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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