Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
