God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
