When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize