"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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