I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
