i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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