We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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