you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I still have a little drunk in my system
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
