Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
They are going to name an STD after you.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
