the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
