I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
