Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
